What Did You Expect?
by A-kun
Summary: A look at the insanity that has been crafted with friends being over-caffineated and having too little sleep.


Reply at either akun15@homtail.com  
or at drayko39@hotmail.com (IT WAS ALL TharzZzDunN FAULT!! THEY/IT/SHE/MISCELLANEOUS/OTHER/HE/THEM MADE ME DO IT!!!)  
  
WARNING!  
  
You are about to read some of the most twisted, weird and plain strange ideas that will (hopefully) never be in an fanfics. My friends and I have compiled this list. I hope you have fun reading it.  
P.S. Prepare to barf at some of the ideas.  
P.P.S. WARNING STRONG LANGUAGE!  
P.P.S.S. Sometimes it's legible.  
  
==================================================================================  
What you never thought you'd see in (anime) Evangelion....  
  
Eva-01 pulls it's prog knife, stabs it into the ground, and went into a handstand. It activated it's AT field and cut 250 cans in half. Gendo's party was a success after that.  
  
Eva-01 and Eva-02 are launched to the surface. Unit 2 began clearing broken cars and trucks while Unit 1 directed traffic. Gendo got to work on time yet again.  
  
Eva-00 and Eva-02 lift the roof off the apartment building. Unit 2 cleaned Gendo's apartment, rearranged the furniture, dusted, made sure the magazines on the coffee table were new, and flush the toilet as Unit 0 continues to hold the roof up.  
"What the hell does he DO in that bathroom that requires my AT field to clean it out?" Asuka asked.  
"You don't want to know." Rei replied.  
Unit 0 set down the roof as Unit 2 retracted it's hands.  
"Darn! I forgot to put the groceries away." Asuka said.  
"And butter the toast that's in his toaster." Rei added.  
"Yeah, yeah." Asuka said, irrately as Unit 0 lifted the roof once again.  
  
"And now, fellow members of SEELE, we will hear Commander Ikari's report." Kier Lorenz said.  
"Ho-ho! You've done it again, Magoo!"  
Leslie Neilson as Mr. Magoo as Gendo Ikari in 'Birth of Evangelion'!  
"WAH-WAH-WAAAAAAAAAAAHH!!!!" Chibi-Eva-01 cried in it's craddle.  
  
Ryoji Kaji as General Custer.  
*THUNK* *THUNK* *THUNK* *THUNK* *THUNK* *THUNK* *THUNK* *THUNK* *THUNK* *THUNK* *THUNK* *THUNK* *THUNK* *THUNK* *THUNK* *THUNK* *THUNK* *THUNK* *THUNK* *THUNK* *THUNK* *THUNK* *THUNK* *THUNK* *THUNK* *THUNK* *THUNK* *THUNK* *THUNK* *THUNK* *THUNK* *THUNK* *THUNK* *THUNK* *THUNK* *THUNK* *THUNK* *THUNK* *THUNK* *THUNK* *THUNK* *THUNK* *THUNK* *THUNK* *THUNK* *THUNK* *THUNK* *THUNK* *THUNK* *THUNK* *THUNK* *THUNK* *THWOCK*  
"UGH!" *THUD*  
  
Gendo Ikari as Mr. Nanny.  
"Mr. Ikari, will you make my dolly a sandwich too?" a four year old Chibi-Usa asked.  
"Sure, that's what I live to do is to make your dolly a sandwich." Gendo muttered sarcastically.  
  
Shinji Ikari in 'Last Action Zero'!  
Eva-00 wiped the tar off with ease.  
"You know, tar tends to stick to SOME things!" Shinji whined.  
  
"Gendo, did you make sure to board up the doors?" Ami, er, Rei yelped.  
"Huh? What? Oh, right, Zombies." Gendo said.  
The zombies kicked in the door. Gendo jumped in front of the NERV staff and pilots and said, "Do what you want with them, but spare me!"  
The NERV staff and pilots ran off as the zombies closed in on Gendo. They grabbed him. One looked in his ear and another tapped his head.  
"NOT THE FACE, NOT THE FACE!! NOT MY BEAUTIFUL AND VALUABLE FACE!!" Gendo cried.  
"BRAINS OR LOOKS!! BRAINS _OR_ LOOKS!" the female zombies said, shoving Gendo away, who looked indignant.  
  
"I mustn't run away, I mustn't run away, I mustn't run away... I must..... shuffle off to buffalo." Shinji said, his Eva beginning to tap-dance.  
  
"I mustn't run away, I mustn't run away, I mustn't run away... I must..... DANCE! Dance-dance-dance-dance-dance-dance-dance!" Shinji chanted, his Eva beginning to imitate the Lord of the Dance while standing behind a waist high-building.  
The other Evas, all standing behind buildings of similiar height, begin chanting, "Dance-dance-dance-dance-dance-dance-LALALALALALALALALALALA!!!"  
  
==================================================================================  
What you never thought you'd see in (anime or manga) Ranma 1/2....  
  
A party at the Tendo's. People are laughing, drinking and having a good time in the living room.  
*BZZT* *BZZT* *BZZT*  
"Oh my, wasn't it sweet of Ranma and Ryouga to do this for us?" Kasumi asked.  
"You bet, sis." Nabiki said, smirking.  
*BZZT* *BZZT* *BZZT*  
"I wonder if either of them would like something to drink?" Kasumi asked, stepping out into the backyard, where we now see Ranma and Ryouga sitting on opposite sides of the pond, glowing brightly with ki.  
*bzzt* *bzzt* *BZZZT* *bzzt* *BWEEERRRRRRRRR* *BWEEEEERRRR* *BWEEEEERRRRR*  
"Did you boys want something to drink?" Kasumi asked, smiling.  
"No thanks, Kasumi." The boys replied in unison as small flashes appear around their aura.  
*BZZT* *BZZT* *BZZT* *THUD*  
"Those two are GREAT bug zappers..." Kasumi commented as she turned to re-enter the house.  
*BZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZ*CRACKLE*ZZZZZ*CRACKLE*ZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZ*CRACKLE*ZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZ*POP*ZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZ*SNAP*ZZZZZZZZZZZT* "BLEAH!" *THUD*  
"Ooooh, that was a BIG one." Kasumi commented, stepping over the charred corpse of Happosai, who had been dead for hours.  
  
It was a hot and humid day. Ranma and Ryouga sat on the porch, fanning themselves.  
"Hot day." Ranma commented.  
"Yep." Ryouga replied.  
Suddenly, both bolted upright, dropped their fans and powered up.  
"MOUKO TAKABISHA!!" Ranma roared.  
"SHISHI HOUKODAN!!" Ryouga roared.  
Both bolts of energy flew and blasted a single approaching target. The fly buzzed, then fell to the ground and died of heart failure. Both Ranma and Ryouga picked up their fans again.  
"Humid too." Ryouga commented.  
"Yep." Ranma replied.  
  
"Genma, did you make sure to board up the doors?" Ami, er, Rei, er, Akane yelped.  
"Huh? What? Oh, right, Zombies." Genma said.  
The zombies kicked in the door. Genma jumped in front of the Tendos and his family and said, "Do what you want with me, but spare them!"  
The Tendos and his family ran off as the zombies closed in on Genma. They grabbed him. One looked in his ear and another tapped his head.  
"BRAINS!! BRAINS!" the zombies said, shoving Genma away, who looked indignant. {or constipated, it's awful hard to tell with a face like his. - whining in the men's room by TharzZzDunN}  
  
"Khu Lon's Secrets of China is now having their clearance sale."  
We see Shampoo (plus 200 lbs.) walking in. She comes out like she normally looks, wearing her outfit.  
"Now Xian Pu ready to get husband." Shampoo said, her voice mysteriously ten octaves lower than usual (think what Bubba would sound like).  
Ranma, Mousse, Ryouga, Kasumi, Nabiki and Ukyou are looking on. They look at each other, then at Ranma and Mousse. Both whimper and jump off a cliff.  
"Thank Kami-sama they had SOME common sense left." Ryouga commented.  
Shampoo leaps off the cliff too.  
"Wait Ranma darlin', I'll make our weddin' night a special one." Shampoo bellered, then hack-tooied.  
  
"Dinner will be ready in a few minutes, father." Kasumi said.  
Soun turned to his good friend, Genma, and made the "Gag me with a spoon" gesture.  
"I'm telling you, Saotome, I can't take keep eating that swamp water! It tastes, looks, smells, feels, and even THINKS like shit! Plus, it works like Viagra! I mean, I haven't had a date in weeks! Do you know how painful that is?" Soun complained.  
"Uh, Tendo..." Genma said nervously, pointing behind his friend.  
Soun turned to see Kasumi standing there, enraged, with her Rambo outfit and frying pan, but her eyebrows were drawn together and she was... FROWNING!  
"You useless bastard!" Kasumi declared, smacking Soun with the frying pan, killing him instantly. Then, she turned to Genma....  
  
"I'd use that name if it weren't already used." he said.  
"I don't know of a character named *I'd like to beat Shampoo into submission*." A-kun replied.  
- TharzZzDunN's confessional. Why he was confessing to A-kun, I have no idea.  
  
Akane, dressed in black and under the influence of the Super Soba (that strength enhancement ramen), grew a mustache. She kidnapped Ukyou and tied her to some train-tracks, twirling her mustache all the while. Danger muzak plays in the background.  
  
Akane, dressed in black and under the influence of the Super Soba (that strength enhancement ramen), grew a mustache. She kidnapped Ukyou and tied her to some train-tracks, twirling her mustache all the while. Danger muzak plays in the background. Xian Pu, with a full viking beard, came to Ukyou's rescue. They both rode off into the sunset on a white gelding.  
"HEY!" Ukyou yelled from the train-tracks.  
Then, Ranma came to her rescue and actually saved her.  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
[Add sex scene with Genma here]  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
[Add sex scene with Genma and Gendo here]  
  
==================================================================================  
What you never thought would happen in Sailor Moon...  
  
"In the name of the Moon- ah, fuck this!" Usagi shifted behavior mid-speech and pulled out a man portable anti-tank missile launcher.  
The youma sweated heavily and urinated on themselves.  
"BWAHAHAHAHAAHAHAHAHAAAHHHHHAAAAAOOHOHOHOHOHOHOHOOOO!!! Suck on this you bastards!" Usagi ranted hysterically calm as she laid down a devastating rain of missiles.  
The other senshi just snuck away to find someplace to hide, it was Usagi's 'time of the month'. They would just have to wait it out in Hawaii again.  
  
"He-e-e-e-ey Luna, wanna go play over by that house where they shoot at pets?" Artemis asked.  
"Sure, Artemis." Luna replied, smiling.  
  
"He-e-e-e-ey Chibi-Usa, wanna go play in that room where they put pets to sleep?" Artemis asked.  
"Sure, Artemis." Chibi-Usa replied, smiling.  
Artemis and Luna chortled evilly.  
  
"Usagi, did you make sure to board up the doors?" Ami yelped.  
"Huh? What? Oh, right, Zombies." Usagi said.  
The zombies kicked in the door. Usagi jumped in front of the other Senshi and said, "Do what you want with me, but spare them!"  
The senshi ran off as the zombies closed in on Usagi. They grabbed her. One looked in her ear and another tapped her head.  
"BRAINS!! BRAINS!" the zombies said, shoving Usagi away, who looked indignant.  
  
"He-e-e-e-ey Usagi, wanna go play at that biker bar?" Ami asked.  
"Sure, Ami. Let me just slip into something with a shorter skirt." Usagi replied, smiling.  
Ami cackled evilly. Chibi-Usa and Usagi down, three more to go until she was the leader of the Senshi.  
  
==================================================================================  
What you never expected to see on Dragon Ball Z...  
  
"KAAAAAMEEEEE HAAAAMMEEEEEE HAAAAAAAAA!" Goku roared, throwing the giant ki bolt at his target.  
The lance of energy rocketed forth, screaming through the air, causing minor ground shakes as it passed. Finally, it struck it's target, releasing the awesomely destructive energy.  
"Goku, why don't you just take your car to a mechanic?" Krillin asked.  
The Buick Roadmaster sputtered to life.  
  
"So, Goku thinks he can get stiffer than me, eh? Well just see about that. Now, where's my starch? I gotta get my pants harder than this somehow..." Vegeta mused aloud.  
  
Nappa and Vegeta both watched the warriors of Earth. Suddenly, top hats landed on their heads and they grabbed their canes from off screen. They began singing.  
"We've got- PERSONALITY!"  
"CHARM!"  
"PERSONALITY!"  
"STYLE!"  
"PERSONALITY!"  
  
"So, Goku thinks he can get a bigger stiffy than me, eh? Well just see about that. Now, where's my filthy sock collection? I gotta get aroused somehow..." Vegeta mused aloud, causing Nappa to sue for custody of the children.  
  
==================================================================================  
What you never thought would happen in Bubble Gum Crisis...  
  
We see a woman scream. Leon and Daley scream as well. Suddenly, the Knight Sabers burst through the walls and fire at what is causing the girl and the two police officers to scream. The Knight Sabers linked their arms and began to can-can.  
"When Orkin won't do, when the ADP wets itself. We'll do it. When Genom crap is blowing up on you and killing your family, we'll beat it. For the best boomer exterminators in town, call the Knight Sabers." they sing while can-caning.  
  
"Wow. Priss, that was fantastic, I never thought you'd be so incredible."  
"Now, now, I _do_ have some skills outside of the kitchen..."  
"_I'll_ say!"  
"Now, Mizuno-san, if you'd hand me the car wax, we can get started on the other motorcycles..."  
  
==================================================================================  
What you never thought would happen in Urusei Yatsura...  
  
Ataru had put up with it one time too many. Mendo had pushed him too far.  
"I'm calling you out, you rich stupid samurai-wannabe." Ataru taunted.  
"All right. Ping pong it is..." Mendo said, drawing his family ping pong paddle. It had been in his family for twenty generations after all, made of folded steel...  
  
Kate Madigan strode towards the doors of the president's office, she came to a halt in front of the massive desk which dominated the plush office. She waited for the figure occupying the enormous office chair to notice her presence.  
Moments passed before the imposing figure swiveled his chair to face her and directed his imposing gaze in her general direction before the president of GENOM Ataru Moroboshi signaled for her to begin the daily report.   
  
Ataru had put up with it one time too many. Mendo had pushed him too far.  
"I'm calling you out, you rich stupid samurai-wannabe." Ataru taunted.  
Mendo just drew his blade and glared at Ataru for this, their final battle. Ataru smirked, then his whole body convulsed as he ripped out of his skin...  
Mendo just stared in shock at the hulking red form before him. Ataru chuckled to himself as he opened his mouth to let the particle beam cannon to fully extend...  
  
Ataru had put up with it one time too many. Mendo had pushed him too far.  
"I'm calling you out, you rich stupid samurai-wannabe." Ataru taunted.  
Mendo just drew his blade and glared at Ataru for this, their final battle. Ataru smirked, then his whole body convulsed as he ripped out of his skin...  
Mendo just stared in shock at the hulking form before him.  
"YOU HAVE THREE SECONDS TO DROP YOUR WEAPON." ED-209-ATARU model declared.  
It was too late. By the time Mendo got his wits back, ED-209-ATARU opened fire.  
  
Ataru had put up with it one time too many. Mendo had pushed him too far.  
"I'm calling you out, you rich stupid samurai-wannabe." Ataru taunted.  
Mendo just drew his blade and glared at Ataru for this, their final battle. Ataru smirked, then his whole body convulsed as he ripped out of his skin...  
Mendo just stared in shock at the hulking form before him.  
A shout of "GUYVER" distracted First Zoalord Ataru from his revenge. There stood the small guyver unit, holding a familiar staff that belonged to a certain Monk.  
"It is fate." Cherry-Guyver declared, clapping his hands together.  
  
==================================================================================  
What you never thought would happen in Tenchi Muyo!...  
  
"Hey, Washuu. Sasami's cooking up some shrimp for dinner. Would you like some?" Tenchi asked.  
"Did you say shrimp? I love shrimp. Grilled shrimp, buttered shrimp, fried shrimp, shrimp custard, shrimp sauerkraut, shrimp ice cream, shrimp toast, barbeque shrimp, partially-regurgitated shrimp, half-melted shrimp, shrimp-burnt-to-a-crisp souffle, shrimp waffles, shrimp mass, shrimp-shaped lightning, shrimp missiles, shrimp tanks, shrimp bombs, shrimp beasts, shrimp hounds, shrimp costumes, shrimp sex toys, shrimp pastries, SHRIMP Industries, shrimp with some black bird pie..." Washuu began.  
*3 hours later....*  
"-and sauteed buttered shrimp." Washuu finished.  
"Wow, Washuu. You really like shrimp-" Tenchi began.  
"Did you say shrimp? I love shrimp. Grilled shrimp, buttered shrimp, fried shrimp, shrimp custard, shrimp saurkraut, shrimp ice cream..." Washuu began.  
Tenchi buried his head in the yard, much like an ostrich-shaped Eva shouldn't.  
viva la shrimp revolucion!  
  
"OH MY...."  
"HA! That's nothing. I haven't even got to the GOOD part."  
"THERE'S MORE?!?!" Tenchi asked.  
"Yeah. After all.... Turtle Rock isn't the end of Legend of Zelda: Link to the Past..." Ryoko replied.  
  
==================================================================================  
What you never thought would happen in Ah! Megami-sama!...  
  
"Eep!" Keiichi squealed as he jumped out of his seat, he turned to glare at Urd for pinching his butt. The only person sitting next to him though was Aoshima...  
Aoshima winked at Keiichi and licked his lips seductively.  
  
"Oooooooh, Tamiya...."  
"Oooooooh, Ootaki...."  
"Oooooooh, Marller...."  
"Oooooooh, Kami-sama...."  
"Ooooompa-pa-pa oompa-pa-pa TharzZzDunN!"  
"CALL ME QUEEN!"  
"Um, Skuld?"  
"Keiichi? Is that you?"  
"Uh-oh."  
"Anyone order pizza with wasabi?"  
  
"KEIICHI! KAMI-SAMA!! URD!! SKULD!!!" Belldandy exclaimed, incredulous of what she was seeing.  
"What? It's just a friendly game of poker, Bell-chan." Keiichi replied.  
  
"Hey, Keichii! Got your wallet!" Skuld said, waving the leather money-carrying item.  
"Hey, Skuld! Got your panties! And your pictures!" Keichii replied.  
  
"Eep!" Belldandy squealed as she jumped out of her seat, she turned to smile at Keichii for pinching her butt. The only person sitting next to her though was Sayoko...  
Sayoko winked at Belldandy and licked her lips seductively. This was not what Belldandy had in mind. {At least not before lunch. After all, they were serving lutefisk in the cafeteria today. - TharzZzDunN's date with Priss}  
  
Keiichi uncomfortably opened up the new topic at the breakfast table.  
"Now Skuld, I don't mind you borrowing my bike seat, but clean it off before you put it back on, okay? It was all sticky today." Keiichi said.  
  
"KEIICHI! KAMI-SAMA!! URD!! SKULD!!!" Belldandy exclaimed, incredulous of what she was seeing.  
"It's not what you think, Belldandy!" The four said, pulling the covers up over themselves.  
  
"Ooooooooooooh.... that feels soooooo goooood...."  
"Mmmmmmmmmm...."  
"Hmmm?"  
"What?"  
"Um, Skuld?"  
"Yes?"  
"I'm Keichii."  
"Uh-oh."  
"Don't worry you two, I'm right here."  
"BELL-CHAN!?"  
"No, Washuu-chan. WHO DID YOU EXPECT?!?!"  
"Hey, don't forget me!"  
"Oh, Megumi, we didn't."  
"That's nice to know, Sayoko."  
"Hey, Mr. Keichii, may I have the next one?"  
In the next room....  
"Peorth?"  
"Yes, Urd?"  
"I get the feeling we're missing something..."  
"Don't worry, Urd-chan, I think it's just Keichii making waffles in his bedroom."  
"Shut up, Artemis. It has something to do with... ''Gettin' it on''? Damn, I wish this divination spell was more accurate."  
  
"I see." the girl said.  
Keiichi walked in.  
"Oh, Urd. I'm sorry to walk in on you like this, but Belldandy found her broom broken in half and she was wondering if you might know who did it." Keiichi said.  
"No. Oh, Keiichi, I'd like to introduce my latest student. She's not a goddess and it's bit complicated, but she'll be staying here. Her name is Miko Mido and..." Urd began.  
Figure out where this is going. ;)~~~  
  
"KEIICHI! KAMI-SAMA!! URD!! SKULD!!!" Belldandy exclaimed, incredulous of what she was seeing.  
"Hahahahaha! You're just in time to see me winning Skuld's hammer, Keiichi's bike helmet and Kami-sama's pants, oniichan!" Urd said, grinning.  
  
"HAHA! GO F@#K YOURSELF, AOSHIMA!! OHOHOHOHOHOHOHOHOHOHOHOHOHOHOHO!!" Belldandy laughed as she fired her vulcan cannon at the sleazeball known as Aoshima.  
  
"AR HAR-HAR! GO F@#K YOURSELF, AOSHIMA!! AR HAR-HAR-HAR-HAR-HAR-HAR!!" Belldandy laughed like a sea captain as she fired her multi-tasking Romulan groin broiler/deep fat frier/karaoke machine with the harpoon-to-the-forehead-adaptor at the sleazeball known as Aoshima.  
  
"Ooooooh, Brett..."  
"Ooooooh, Urd..."  
"Ooooooh, Tybalt..."  
"Ooooooh, Kun-chan..."  
"Ooooooh, Ryoucilo..."  
"Ooooooh, Ryo-ohki..."  
"Ooooops, Zen spilled the peanut butter, Kei."  
"ZEN!"  
  
"Ooooooh, Skuld..."  
"Ooooooh, Urd..."  
"Ooooooh, Belldandy..."  
"Ooooooh, Keichii..."  
"Yes, Kami-sama?"  
"This adjustable recliner was a great gift!"  
  
==================================================================================  
What you never thought would happen in Blue Seed...  
  
"Hey, Kusanagi! Got your wallet!" Momiji said, waving the leather money-carrying item.  
"Hey, Momiji! Got your panties! And your pictures!" Kusanagi replied.  
  
"He-e-e-e-ey Murakumo, wanna go play in that new ceramics factory with me, Kaede and Momiji?" Kusanagi asked.  
"Sure, Kunikida." Murakumo replied, smiling numbly as the lobotomy that he had received kept him from using more than 1/2 a percent of his brain.  
  
==================================================================================  
What you never thought would happen in Key the Metal Idol...  
  
'Doom 6, Key-tested, Key-approved.'  
"Get the hell out of Key's way, or Key will perforate your ass with a few more holes, you useless bastard." Key snarled.  
  
"Will you be one of Key's thirty thousand friends so Key can become human?" Key asked the gentleman.  
"No."  
"Why you no-good useless sack of horseshit, I oughta rip off your head and shit down your neck!!!" Key screamed as the Knight Sabers dragged Key off of TharzZzDunN.  
Key continued to scream threats at TharzZzDunN, "YOU CAN RUN, YOU WORTHLESS BASTARD!! BUT I'LL TRACK YOU TO THE ENDS OF THE EARTH!!!"  
TharzZzDunN rubbed his windpipe back into shape and asked, "Great, so are we still on for dinner tomorrow night?"  
"Of course dear, you bring the wine!" Key shouted.  
  
"But, Ms. Mido, Key does not understand the point behind all of this training..." Key began.  
"Shut up and lick harder." Miko whined.  
"But the floor is already spotless!" Key bitched.  
  
"Will you be one of Key's thirty thousand friends so Key can become human?" Key asked the gentleman.  
"No."  
"Why you no-good useless sack of horseshit, I oughta rip off your head and shit down your neck!!!" Key screamed as the Knight Sabers dragged Key off of Largo.  
Then, they realized their folly and let Key loose on him again. Largo was better off against the Knight Sabers as he was found shoved up Quincy's...  
  
"Will you be one of Key's thirty thousand friends so Key can become human?" Key asked the gentleman.  
"No."  
"Why you no-good useless sack of horseshit, I oughta rip off your head and shit down your neck-ACKK! SAKURA-CHAN, GET OFF!! I'LL GET YOU!!!" Key yelled as Sakura dragged her off.  
Redneck never felt so scared in his life.  
  
==================================================================================  
What you never thought would happen in Maison Ikkoku...  
  
*BRRRING* *BRRRING* *CLICK*  
"Hello?" Akemi droned.  
"Hello, Ms. Roppongi, the Impossible Mission Force has a new mission for you. Should you choose to accept this mission, the Prime Minister will disavow all knowledge of your existence." the monotone voice on the other end intoned.  
"Yeah, yeah, watta ya want?" Akemi replied.  
  
*BRRRING* *BRRRING* *CLICK*  
"Hello?" Akemi droned.  
"Hello, Ms. Roppongi, the Impossible Mission Force has a new mission for you. Should you choose to accept this mission-" the monotone voice on the other end intoned.  
"Yeah, yeah, watta ya want?" Akemi replied.  
"I want you in bed." Bailesu whimpered.  
  
==================================================================================  
What you never thought would happen in Slayers.....  
(Warning, spoilers ahead if you haven't made it to the fifth tape in the Slayers series)  
  
Rezo sat on his throne as Lina Inverse, Gourry Gabriev, Zelgadis, Zolf and Rodamus raced into his chamber.  
"Ah, Lina. I'm so glad you're here." Rezo said.  
"Rezo!" Lina said.  
"Rezo!" Gourry said.  
"Rezo the Red Priest!" Zelgadis said.  
"Rezo!" Rodamus and Zolf said in unison.  
"YES, I AM REZO!!!!" Rezo ranted, shocking everyone.  
  
Rezo sat on his throne as Lina Inverse, Gourry Gabriev, Zelgadis, Zolf and Rodamus raced into his chamber.  
"Ah, Lina. I'm so glad you're here." Rezo said.  
"Rezo!" Lina said.  
"Fingle the janitor! In a red dress!" TharzZzDunN slurred.  
"Really? Great, 'cause there's this pile of puke over here that he should really clean up..." Gourry commented.  
  
Rezo sat on his throne as Lina Inverse, Gourry Gabriev, Zelgadis, Zolf and Rodamus raced into his chamber.  
"Ah, Lina. I'm so glad you're here." Rezo said.  
"Rezo!" Lina said.  
"Ah, Lina. I'm so glad you're here." Rezo said.  
"Rezo!" Lina said.  
"Ah, Lina. I'm so glad you're here." Rezo said.  
"Rezo?" Lina asked.  
"Ah, Lina. I'm so-" *CHARBROIL* Rezo said.  
"KNOCK IT OFF ALREADY!!!" Lina yelled.  
  
Rezo sat on his throne as Lina Inverse, Gourry Gabriev, Zelgadis, Zolf and Rodamus raced into his chamber.  
"Ah, Lina. I'm so glad you're here." Rezo said.  
"Rezo!" Lina said.  
"Did you know I've got my own commercial? It's on right now." Rezo said, turning on a nearby TV.  
Everyone turned.  
"Hey, how did you plug it in? And who's broadcasting?" Gourry observed in a burst of intellect.  
"Eh." Rezo answered.  
The image of Rezo appeared. He was holding a bottle, but the label wasn't very visible.  
"Having trouble getting it up? Try new and improved Viagra. Rezo-tested and Rezo-approved!" the narrator said.  
Everyone looked at Rezo, who was turning bright red.  
"THEY SAID IT WAS CHILDREN'S CHEWABLE TYLENOL!!!" Rezo roared.  
  
Rezo sat on his throne as Lina Inverse, Gourry Gabriev, Zelgadis, Zolf and Rodamus raced into his chamber.  
"Ah, Lina. I'm so glad you're here." Rezo said.  
"Rezo!" Lina said.  
Lina kicked the table, knocking a few candle holders down.  
"Hey, do you know how many candle shops I had to burn down to get those?" Rezo asked in an annoying voice.  
Everyone sweatdropped.  
"Couldn't you have just stolen or bought some?" Gourry asked.  
Pause.  
"D'oh..." Rezo replied.  
  
Rezo sat on his throne as Lina Inverse, Gourry Gabriev, Zelgadis, Zolf and Rodamus raced into his chamber.  
"Ah, Lina. I'm so glad you're here." Rezo said.  
"Rezo!" Lina said.  
"Hey, if you mess around with the letters in his name, it spells 'Zero'." Gourry noted.  
Everyone sweatdropped as they stared at Gourry.  
  
Rezo sat on his throne as Lina Inverse, Gourry Gabriev, Zelgadis, Zolf and Rodamus raced into his chamber.  
"Ah, Lina. I'm so glad you're here." Rezo said.  
"Rezo!" Lina said.  
Lina broke the table between her and Rezo.  
"Hey, do you know how many carpenters I had to flay alive to get this thing built?!" Rezo demanded.  
Everyone sweatdropped.  
"Couldn't you have just asked one them to build it?" Zolf asked.  
"D'OH...." Rezo said.  
  
Rezo sat on his throne as Lina Inverse, Gourry Gabriev, Zelgadis, Zolf and Rodamus raced into his chamber.  
"Ah, Lina. I'm so glad you're here." Rezo said.  
"Rezo!" Lina said.  
"Rezo!" Gourry said.  
"Rezo the Red Priest!" Zelgadis said.  
"Rezo!" Rodamus and Zolf said in unison.  
"Dog licking it's nuts!" Lina said.  
Everyone turned to look at TharzZzDunN. And promptly got season tickets to Saturnday Day Unlive.  
  
Rezo sat on his throne as Lina Inverse, Gourry Gabriev, Zelgadis, Zolf and Rodamus raced into his chamber.  
"Ah, Lina. I'm so glad you're here." Rezo said.  
"Rezo!" Lina said.  
"Hey, if you mess around with the letters in his name, it spells 'Zero'." Gourry noted.  
Everyone sweatdropped as they stared at Gourry.  
"All right, I've got three crates of Home Pregnancy tests for one 'Rezo the Erd Purse'." TharzZzDunN said, dressed as a hippie.  
Everyone stared at Rezo.  
"What?!" Rezo asked.  
"I don't think we want to know." the five heroes said in unison.  
  
Rezo sat on his throne as Lina Inverse, Gourry Gabriev, Zelgadis, Zolf and Rodamus raced into his chamber.  
"Ah, Lina. I'm so glad you're here." Rezo said.  
"Rezo!" Lina said.  
"Rezo!" Gourry said.  
"Rezo the Red Priest!" Zelgadis said.  
"Rezo!" Rodamus and Zolf said in unison.  
"Pull my finger!" TharzZzDunN threatened.  
"Oh, we know all about that." Rezo said.  
"I don't think you understand. PULL-MY-FIN-uh-oh...." TharzZzDunN said as a cloud of That appeared behind him.  
"Too late...." TharzZzDunN melted.  
  
"Gourry, did you make sure to board up the doors?" Ami, er, Rei, er, Akane, er, Amelia yelped.  
"Huh? What? Oh, right, Zombies." Gourry said.  
The zombies kicked in the door. Gourry jumped in front of his friends and said, "Do what you want with me, but spare them!"  
His friends ran off as the zombies closed in on Gourry. They grabbed him. One looked in his ear and another tapped his head.  
"BRAINS!! BRAINS!" the zombies said, shoving Gourry away, who looked puzzled, then pissed off, then hungry, then horny, then he looked at Lina and the urge died a painful death. He drew his Sword of Light and went to work.  
  
Rezo sat on his throne as Lina Inverse, Gourry Gabriev, Zelgadis, Zolf and Rodamus raced into his chamber.  
"Ah, Lina. I'm so glad you're here." Rezo said.  
"Rezo!" Lina said.  
Lina kicked a hole in the wall.  
"Hey, do you know how long of a lease I've got on this place?!" Rezo whined, "And there went the security deposit, you flat-chested idiotic tomboy!!"  
****BAAAAAAAAAAAAAAWWWWOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMM****  
Lina lifted the mallet she had crushed Rezo with and said, "Ick!"  
  
"Ooooh, GOURRY!"  
"Ooooh, Mr. Gourry!"  
"Hey, this is starting to get weird."  
"Shut up, Zel!"  
"Uh-oh! GET OFF!"  
"Huh? Why?"  
*SNAP*  
"IT BROKE!" Gourry cried.  
"Sorry about the diving board for your swimming pool, Gourry."  
  
Lina and Amelia watched as Gourry (in drag) was sitting with Valoom. Lina sweatdropped and sighed. Amelia tapped her on the shoulder.  
"What?" Lina asked.  
"Miss Lina, I know you didn't teach me the Dragon Slave because you taught me that you need to know when and where to cast spells. But, um...." Amelia began.  
"Yes?" Lina asked.  
"Did you, by any chance, teach Gourry the spell?" Amelia asked.  
"No, why?" Lina asked before she heard Gourry chant, "...by the power of GREYSKULL!! I AM SHE-RA!!!!!"  
"NO WAY! HE CAN'T-" Lina began, then puked.  
  
Rezo sat on his throne as Lina Inverse, Gourry Gabriev, Zelgadis, Zolf and Rodamus raced into his chamber.  
"Ah, Lina. I'm so glad you're here." Rezo said.  
"Rezo!" Lina said.  
Lina kicked over a pillar.  
"Hey! Do you know how many people I had to turn to stone and destroy to build those?!" Rezo asked.  
Everyone blinked.  
"Couldn't you have just cast a spell to make them?" Lina asked.  
"D'OH!!" Rezo replied.  
  
Rezo laughed as Lina, Gourry, Zelgadis, Zolf and Rodamus struggled to stand. Rezo's eyes opened.  
"I CAN SEE!!!! I CAN SEE!!!!!!" Rezo said, laughing hysterically.  
"Yes, thanks to Visine's Shabranigdo Annihilator, Rezo can see just fine and Super-bra-dingo can go burn in the fiery pits of Karaoke where Serena, Nene, Misato, Ayaka, Ryoko and Bert Van Vliet all sing '70s music forever while tanked forever." Ben Stein (you know, the guy from the Visine commercials) announced, before bursting into laughter.  
Everyone blinked and sweatdropped. But at least they didn't have red, irritated eyes (stalks?).  
  
Rezo sat on his throne as Lina Inverse, Gourry Gabriev, Zelgadis, Zolf and Rodamus raced into his chamber.  
"Ah, Lina. I'm so glad you're here." Rezo said.  
"Rezo!" Lina said.  
"Hey, if you mess around with the letters in his name, it spells 'Zero'." Gourry noted.  
Everyone sweatdropped as they stared at Gourry.  
"All right, I've got three crates of Home Pregnancy tests for one 'Rezo the Naughty Nurse'." TharzZzDunN said, dressed as a boomer.  
Everyone stared at Rezo.  
"What?!" Rezo asked.  
"I don't think we want to know." the five heroes said in unison.  
  
"He-e-e-e-ey, Lina. Wanna go and play with the X-ray machine down at the old abandoned hospital?" Gourry asked.  
"Sure, Gourry." Lina replied, smiling.  
  
Lina and Amelia watched as Gourry (in drag) was sitting with Valoom. Lina sweatdropped and sighed. Amelia tapped her on the shoulder.  
"What?" Lina asked.  
"Miss Lina, I know you didn't teach me the Dragon Slave because you taught me that you need to know when and where to cast spells. But, um...." Amelia began.  
"Yes?" Lina asked.  
"Did you, by any chance, teach Gourry the spell?" Amelia asked.  
"No, why?" Lina asked before she heard Gourry chant, "...Let the fools before us be destroyed by the power you and I possess! DRRRAAAAGOOOONNNN SLLLLAAAAAVVVVVEEEEE!!!"  
"NO WAY! HE CAN'T-" Lina began.  
*KAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAABOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOMMMMMMMMMMM*  
^_^  
You wanna hit me, don'tcha? Well, you can't! BWAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA-  
@BAP@BAP@BAP DAKKA DAKKA *W*H*A*M* *W*H*A*M*  
@BAP@BAP@BAP DAKKA DAKKA *W*H*A*M* *W*H*A*M*  
@BAP@BAP@BAP DAKKA DAKKA *W*H*A*M* *W*H*A*M*  
@BAP@BAP@BAP DAKKA DAKKA *W*H*A*M* *W*H*A*M*  
@BAP@BAP@BAP DAKKA DAKKA *W*H*A*M* *W*H*A*M*  
@BAP@BAP@BAP DAKKA DAKKA *W*H*A*M* *W*H*A*M*  
@BAP@BAP@BAP DAKKA DAKKA *W*H*A*M* *W*H*A*M*  
@BAP@BAP@BAP DAKKA DAKKA *W*H*A*M* *W*H*A*M*  
@BAP@BAP@BAP DAKKA DAKKA *W*H*A*M* *W*H*A*M*  
@BAP@BAP@BAP DAKKA DAKKA *W*H*A*M* *W*H*A*M*  
@BAP@BAP@BAP DAKKA DAKKA *W*H*A*M* *W*H*A*M*  
@BAP@BAP@BAP DAKKA DAKKA *W*H*A*M* *W*H*A*M*  
@BAP@BAP@BAP DAKKA DAKKA *W*H*A*M* *W*H*A*M*  
@BAP@BAP@BAP DAKKA DAKKA *W*H*A*M* *W*H*A*M*  
@BAP@BAP@BAP DAKKA DAKKA *W*H*A*M* *W*H*A*M*  
@BAP@BAP@BAP DAKKA DAKKA *W*H*A*M* *W*H*A*M*  
@BAP@BAP@BAP DAKKA DAKKA *W*H*A*M* *W*H*A*M*   
  
trans-continental-vegimite homo-saxophonal relationship 


End file.
